Explorations · of · a · Complex · Mind

Man, I really don't use this much.  I guess I just get bored with posting random stuff about my life lately.  I'd much rather say what is going on to people in person.  That usually implies that I care enough about those people to inform them...instead of putting my personal life in detail on the internet where anyone can read it.  But, hey, I suppose it doesn't hurt, huh?  Depending on what is posted.

Sometimes I feel so clumsy.  I just don't understand why I can't seem to get things right.  I think I've fixed something, try to tiptoe around my next "move" and fuck it all up because I failed to say that I was taking things into consideration and trying to be careful.  It sucks.  I just want time to figure things out.  It seems like that's what I'm almost always doing.  I'm insensitive.  Too self-contained.  Too masculine emotionally.  A bull in a goddamned china shop.  This is fucking bull shit.  I try but I'm not trying hard enough.  I don't say things when I should and I don't say them often enough.  I think I'm stepping things up, but apparently it's not a big enough difference to notice so still warrants complaint.  Once a fucking week.  Every week this happens.  Why?  Why can't I just give in?  Would it kill me to feel crappy to make someone else feel better?  I'm too self-reliant so I expect others to be the same.  This is wrong and I know it.  Do I wallow that much?  Maybe I do.  Enough to fuck things up anyway.  Just let me be upset by myself for a little while.  Or maybe that's the wrong thing to do.  Maybe you're right.  Maybe I'm too selfish.

So, it's been a while since I posted last. Sorry...(Not that you guys really care anyway.)

Well, I have come to the conclusion that I'm ready (and need) to start living my life.

"But, haven't you already been living your life?" everyone asks.

"No, no, I haven't. I've existed in La-la Land, my own world, where I do what tickles my fancy and wait for some grandiose event or mystic sign to drop my life's purpose into my lap."

My grandmother died last week and I realized that I want to get started on my life. I've just floated along thus far, kind of drifted through and let happen what will happen. I don't want that anymore. I want regularity. I want harmony and company. I want complete independence.

It's funny how you think you know so much and feel like you are an adult when you leave home. When, in all actuality, you don't really know squat and you still depend so heavily on the support of parents, family, and friends.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you grow out of needing their support emotionally, just monetarily, physically. I have discovered that with all of my maturity, I still have a child's mind and a child's view of many things. Time to grow up. For REAL. As much as it scares me, I know I will be happier for doing it in the long run. No more rescue missions for Momma and Daddy to embark on. Next time there's a rescue mission, I want it to be me rescuing my parents from nursing homes.

My plan, so far, is to find a decent "real" job (as my parents call it), keep running my online business, and register for ONE class at SFCC. I have given up on getting rid of my apartment and plan on just paying the last two months' rent. I am done with people. I am done with the disappointments. I'd much rather deal with them from afar as friends. I like friends more than business enemies...and roommates...so, friends it is!

While I am living my life one step at a time, eventually, I will find my true purpose in life. I know I am meant to do something great. Not necessarily big, but important...to someone. I want to help people. Perhaps spiritually...maybe physically...or I could go overseas and feed people. I'm not sure. I don't know where or how, but I know I'm going to find some way to do it(help people, that is). That's sort-of a purpose...I just haven't figured out the details yet.

"Yes."
So, I have made a decision and I think it was the right one. Time will tell but, I made my choice based on compatibility, great friendship, and the fears that I DON'T have with this person (instead of just lust).
I apologize to those that I had been going on dates with for my sudden change in status.
I know that I have been very confusing (to myself even) in regard to my personal relationships and dating habits. Once again, my apologies. I had no idea what I wanted, so I stalled when propositioned and felt uncertain about what choice to make.

So, I am no longer in school (for now), I've started seeing a therapist, I quit working at Jo-Ann's and am now a professional online dominatrix, I am learning how to rollerblade BMX style on a half-pipe and stuff, and I've joined the Rainbow Tiger Circus climbing silks.

Ok, got all of that out...now to do some explaining. I quit school because I was unable to motivate myself and was experiencing some pretty intense anxiety and panic attacks. I found a psychologist that I really like and have started seeing him regularly; he's helped me a lot already. There's goood money to be had in online domination and I absolutely love what I do. I am finally happy with my profession AND I own my own business. My friend, Jason (not Amanda's ex), used to be a semi-pro skater and has been in the circus for a long time (and he was awesome enough to introduce me to them). I'm addicted to skating and circus...hardcore addicted.

It's great because both of those activities are painful and it takes away my feelings of wanting to hurt myself. So, instead of cutting myself, I can go out and be productive, learn stuff, and feel the pain that the intense training and workout inflict on my body. Also, the adrenaline that courses through me from the physical exercise wipes away any depression and/or stress I may be feeling at the time.

Have you ever felt detached from everything in your life? School? Work? Hobbies? Lovers? Sometimes friends and family? Well, if you haven't already guessed, I'm going through that loss of passion. I keep distracting myself with being on the "go" and spending the majority of my time with other people. I don't like being home alone because I start to think and put off the things I should be doing. All I ever do these days is avoid. I look like the social butterfly enjoying every waking moment...and I am when I'm not letting myself stop to think about what I'm doing to myself. I have become the queen of screwing myself over...without drugs being in the picture, anyway.
I have lost sight of my goals and feel like I'm drifting in place...if that makes any sense at all. I'm currently watching my school career circle the proverbial drain and want to save it, but lack the commitment and determination. This upsets me greatly. I have taken the position of backseat driver in my own goddamn life. Why does it feel impossible to put my foot down and say, "no," to invitations out when there's homework to be done? I say, "yes," knowing it will cause me to flunk. Am I unconciously making myself flunk out on purpose? What if I change my major? Would that make a difference? Perhaps get a degree in art...that has a much less strict regimen...I think. At least imperfect grades won't keep me from getting the damn degree. Biochemistry requires a practically spotless record and I started out with spots. The fact that SFCC doesn't have a forgiveness policy really doesn't help and has had me screwed since I started.

I don't know what I am. I do know that I am somehow unbalanced upstairs, but I don't know what it is. I've gotten different suppositions from different people, doctors and friends alike... bipolar, multiple personality disorder (now called something else I can't remember), schizophrenia, manic-depressive (isn't that the same as bipolar?), clinically depressed, weird, crazy, psycho, and other un-scholarly names. I like eccentric the best.

It's not that it even really matters what it is called...I just want to know so I can better learn to cope with it. You would think I'd have it down pat after 22 years but, alas, I do not.

I have new neighbors moving in tonight...should I "impress" them with the best of my eccentricities or let them go about their boring lives without some source of amusement? Oh, how I want to disturb them!

So, I was feeling all sorts of blah last night at 4am and decided to cut and dye my hair. I love it! I can't wait until I have the money to put the finishing touch on. But that might be a little while. If you want to see it, hang out with me.

So, I think I have finally found someone to move in! If all works out, my financial worries will be over!...or at least GREATLY reduced. I do not know for sure, so I don't want to get overly excited and worked up for nothing.

Last night there were a few hours available at work and I was asked if I would like to come in and work after store hours to stock. I said yes because I can use all of the hours I can get. Well, I completely forgot about going in until it was 12:00am... too late to show up. I didn't even know if they would still be there. At first, I didn't think it had bothered me too much.

I read a book and fell asleep... and had a nightmare about getting fired for not showing up. All of my dreams were disturbing last night.